I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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