I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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