I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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