bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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