From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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