I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
