New low: just hacked my moms facebook
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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