i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
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