Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
