shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
