who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I forgot wine drunk hurts
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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