she looked like the bat from fern gully.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
