My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
