I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Randomize
