She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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