my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
