I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
