Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Did you pee in the oven last night??
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
