I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
