i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
