saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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