And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
