My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize
