i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
