Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
