id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
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