He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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