Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
