So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
