The best revenge is premature balding
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
