She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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