Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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