hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
