Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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