Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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