You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
