I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
