take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
