I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
