How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
