how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize