I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
