I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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