Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
