i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
