dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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