I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
