Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
