there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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