i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
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