my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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