I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
