i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Randomize
