Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
No...this little piggys going to the bar
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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