My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
