i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
