Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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