Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
