I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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