please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I looked at my own cervix.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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