I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
