Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
