I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
