You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
