He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Semen is not good for contacts.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Randomize
