good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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