I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
