Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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