i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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