go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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