Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
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