mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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