Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize