You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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