hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize